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Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 12, 2012

Today I did nothing at work. Not just today, it's been like that for at least 2 months. Of course I didn't sit still , I occupied myself with various tasks I made up. Just small and irrelevant tasks, which I would be much happier to do at home. I brought my kindle (my boyfriend's kindle, to be exact) along to read a history textbook.

I met a friend by the end of the workday and started complaining to her how bored I was. I could literally sense my mind going more and more dull day by day, enclosing myself in 4 walls, sitting in front of a computer screen, doing nothing (work-related), learning nothing. When I look around, people are always talking about each other, about "plans" and "stories", some things are real and some things happen between their imagination and somewhere along the entangled paths and trails of gossips. Everyone smile at each other, but just a second later, a meaningful wink forms itself on a face. Sometimes I feel like I were back in high school, not a mature adult workplace. And the talk about drinking has never subsided. Drinking is an essential skill nowadays, someone said, and claimed that they would train their children to drink in young age, "so that they can cope later". I said nothing. I hate it. The pressure on being "social" is ever present. Simply observing people's ingenuity towards each other drains my energy out.

My friend advised me to quit the job. I had promised myself unless I am fired, I would not quit, I will grit my teeth and make sure I stay on this job for at least a year. I have quit too many jobs already.

After that I joined a farewell party for a friend of mine, who is going abroad for her master studies, with her colleagues. I knew some of them, and met some for the first time. Yet I was comfortable with them, and comfortable being myself there. I didn't talk much, but no one inquires "why are you so quiet? you need to talk more". It wasn't that they are young, or open-minded. I guess they really respect and appreciate each other. And good emotions spread.

I could laugh with them, even though I didn't share their inside jokes. I could feel a sincere and tender breeze of love and care. No one forced me to drink, and there was lots of honest sharing. I talked about faith with one lady, and on the next table someone talked about raising babies, and yet some others were telling each other about her excitement about an upcoming travel. I spent only a few hours with them, but I was re-energized. It was like almost a surge of human connection enveloping me, and brought me back to life.

On the way home, I thought about people I love. I made plans to send emails to them just to let them know I love them. I mentally danced with an upbeat tune. I imagined myself buying gifts for some friends. I wanted to write. All of sudden, I realized I haven't felt so comfortable around strangers for so long. So long that I didn't happen to be aware of that state of being I was in. It was happiness.

"Why is it so? Why is it so difficult to find a workplace where I can be myself and loved for who I am?" I missed my days at my first job, when I could sit cross-leg on a bed with a cup of tea and discussed everything on Earth that came to mind at that very moment with the team. In fact, I shed some tears. It started raining softly. My spectacles became blurred with raindrops. I didn't know whether I was crying because I had some happy moments at the dinner, or because I was mourning for a past that never comes back, or because tomorrow I will return to alienation.
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