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Thứ Tư, 3 tháng 8, 2011

So I was told. That's ok. Im just surprised that I am characterized as such not by a few people who know me well, but by those who don't know me well. In other words, I am idealistic enough for people to gossip about.

It must be a very distinguished characteristic of mine then.

But if someday I am told I am aimless, passionless, and not faithful to the values I once chose to live my life by, I will be very dissapointed at myself.

When I was 13, the first time I became aware of idealism was when my sister introduced her boyfriend to me (now her husband). I clearly remember writing down in my diary that day: "I don't like that guy because he doesn't have any passion or goal. I will never be attracted to a guy like that. A human must have ideals to live by."

I never know why I am so drawn to religion, even though I don't practice any, don't put my faith in any supernatural figure and don't listen to fortune-tellers. But since I was young, I have always thought of the meaning of my existence, why am I here, and very often get despaired after coming to the conclusion that I will disappear some day, the whole existence of the human race and the Earth will vanish some day, with no clues left. It seems so pointless to live, I told myself, probably in elementary school, if not kinder garden.

I tend to destruction, and death. It doesn't mean I contend suicide or anything, it's just the whole contemplation about living and dying always stays in the back of my head, never really goes away. I guess that's why I have always been unconsciously interested in religion, because it is the only system that deals with deepest meaning and unanswerable questions about life and the living.

So if I can't choose to live or to die, and life is a gift, I choose to live my life with values, beliefs and faiths, which makes me an idealistic, but I'd rather do that than content myself with a colourless existence

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