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Chủ Nhật, 12 tháng 6, 2011

I don't understand why when in Canada, I was always regarded as a sweet, compassionate and understanding "young lady", who finds herself very comfortable around older people, wins their love, and to this moment receives an email every now and then from them with lots of love and prayers, but as soon as Im home, I am always considered a selfish, irresponsible, neglectful person and doesn't care about anyone in my family.

I am the same person, that's for sure. Why does there happen to be these two very contradictory views?

Because my family expects too much from me? I mean, one or two visit every week to a friend is more than enough to make them happy, but my father wants me to be at home everyday, and not only at home, to be present, to make myself visible so that every one can see me, even if I can do nothing for them.

Because I really don't know how to express my concern? Because I've never been taught too say sweet words? In Canada, people hug each other. The Vietnamese don't hug, generally speaking. I really don't know how to show that I care. It's fine for me to say "I love you", or end a letter with "Lots of love" for a close friend. But we just don't do that, I've never seen any member of my family verbally show affection to each other. And my family refuse to talk, only impose what they want me to do.

I tend to withdraw onto myself. I am afraid of the crowd. Call me anti-social if you want. I prefer one-on-one, personal and in-depth relationship. I run away from gatherings where people ask and answer each other as though they all have a script, which assigns them according roles, and they are only acting out. I don't say I feel better in my own bubble, but I'd rather be alone than to mingle in a crowd I don't feel comfortable with.

My Canadian friends often asked me how Vietnamese people show love when I told them I can't remember being hugged or kissed or received "I love you" from my family. I suppose they simply never do so, or only to infants. I guess the way my family express love is through wordless care. They would look after me, do things I don't ask, give me money, etc. I don't think I've mastered the art of showing care wordlessly. No one teaches me, they only get mad with me when I fail, and give me no chance and no encouragement. And Im continued to be blamed for being a selfish person.

The tension continues on.

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