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Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 11, 2010

Why am I finding myself in the same position I used to be 4 years ago? Terrified by the prospect of a GRE (which I am now scoring less than half), the time strain, all the paper work of an application, and most stressful, the process of figuring out my dream, my ambition, my future, my desire.
So I have completed half of the application form for a PhD in Asian religion, Cornell University, in the US. The rest of course will be worked on for the next 2 months.
I am interested, but confused. I am inspired, but afraid. I am excited, but worried.
I like the pressure, strange as it may sound, but this morning, I told myself, I am craving for unsettlement again, the feeling of something new and strange, of solitude and absolute loneliness in an unfamiliar environment.When was the last time I cried?
Ahead of me lie at least 3 papers to write, 2000 pages to read, 2 books to translate.
Do I really want to spend another 5 years in school? What if half way through, I find out that I don’t like it? Can I just walk away? Can I just leave? Will there be any penalty? Will they put me in jail because I would have spent 3 years worth of scholarship or whatever funding I may get?
Can’t believe I would feel this again. So uncertain, yet eager at the same time. Once again I want to reach out for something I like. Or am I just seeking a place to hide, to run away from the responsibility of joining the work force and live like an adult?
Such an intense state I almost feel like crying..Why is my heart racing just thinking about this?
Avirl Lavigne's singing to me, again and again:
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

p/s: A side note, love is always interesting, even if it is not for me.And mom just called and said she misses me. So unusual, because my family don't usually express feelings in words. It's just, by the time I wake up in the morning, she's already gone to bed. Her physical work during the day is too much for a woman approaching 50. I really should wake up earlier. Im already dreaming of announcing the news to her. Imagine this: "Mom, Im going to US to do a PhD". She wants me to go home, I know. For me, now, really, going home or not is no longer a big deal. Either way makes no difference to me, as long as I can find something meaningful to live my life for.

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