Sometimes he says I understand him the most. I smile, whenever I hear it, but knowing him better than naively believing in everything he tells me, I believe a half of the claim. I understand him in this and that aspect, but not all. Lots of things he has gone through I have no clue of, he would never tell me because I can't appreciate it, or worse, I may try to listen, pretend that I get the point then give him a disappointing response. But I do believe I understand him more than others, to some extents.
I thought of him last night, after I had closed my eyes and before I let myself fall into sleep. This image appeared in my mind. I wondered why such a weary, tiring, sometimes in too much pain and overstretching soul can draw something so beautiful in the simplest sense of beauty.
Sometimes, I want to shout at him: "Why do you have to try that hard? Why do you have to put so much pressure on yourself? Why don't you just take it easy, like other men in your age? No one blames you if you can't afford a house right now, right? No one will judge you, or ridicule you, because you haven't published a book. Your friends still love you. Your family is still yours, as always. Girls will come and go, as they have to. What's the point?" I know he wants to prove himself, probably not to anyone, but to himself, that he has a right faith, and he can live it out.
But I end up never saying anything, really. I don't know much about what's going on in his life these days, because we're both too busy to talk with each other like we used to. Im not in the position to tell him to do this or that. He's very much a brotherly figure to me, someone who always has the answer when I voice my question; while whether he ever considers me a sister, I don't know.
It's just in an evening like this, it's raining outside. Im torn apart by lots of contradictory feelings. I set my yahoo status available and invisible again and again. I want to talk to people, yet at the same time, I don't feel like talking to any random people. I don't know if Im missing my dad, or my close friend. I don't know if Im sad, homesick or lonely. I don't know if I should go eat ice-cream, sleep or cry. I consider each and every person I usually talk to, but none of them seems to be the one Im looking for. I want to be left alone, but also want to have someone to be with. I want to lock myself in, so that I will feel free and safe inside my cold and way too empty room. A state of blank confusion. This is irritating, since Im supposed to be good at managing emotions, and now I can't tell clearly what and how I am feeling.
Probably, there is a good chance to it, I am missing someone I haven't met yet. Or we can look at it this way, I am missing the luxury of having a special person so dear to my heart that I know always there, the luxury I no longer have. I want you to be here, Im just not sure who you are yet.
So it's just in an evening like this, when I don't know what to do with myself, I think maybe talking with him will relieve me. A brother with smiling eyes, even though in hundreds of our conversations, I looked into his eyes only about 3 or 4 times. But he has enough burdens to carry and loved ones to worry about, already. So I'd better be in my place and contemplate about my own confusion.
When I think to myself Im missing him, Im aware that the version of him I mean is likely to be not what his friends have in minds, nor even what he conceives of himself. Maybe the "him" Im thinking of is not a real person, but rather a combination of my imagination, little bit of his self-constructed identity, my recycled memory and random circumstances. But I don't mind, I don't care.
And today has been wasted because I haven't finished 1/5 of the readings I planned to get done >.<
15/10: Almost 2 days after, I figure out I may be experiencing PMS. Yay for being a woman! Yay for having a female body :))