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Thứ Năm, 12 tháng 8, 2010

These days I've been crying too much. I usually cry more than an average person, so I guess you know what I mean by "too much". Sometimes I wish I didn't have that much tears to spare. It's troublesome, really, especially when there is nothing worth crying, but I can't stop tears from falling down. Crying, for me, is not a special occasion, because I do it pretty much everyday. Just a part of my life, just a daily activity like teeth brushing or face cleaning. So, when I cry "too much", I mean I cry when I eat, when I sleep, when I read, in the washroom, in the kitchen. Today I cried on the bus, which was too bad because two girls sitting opposite noticed and stared at me. I don't know why...well, actually I do, just don't want to admit it.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't need your pity. Im doing this, just because I feel like putting my thoughts into words, and it would be boring task if no one reads it. I don't expect you to read this, and if someday you do, things should already be settled.
This is not my first time, and I decide that I won't let myself live in fantasies. That's what I did last time. I lived in my imaginary world for a very very long time, almost a year, with the hope that the person would come back. My heart beat fast everytime the phone or the bell rang. I won't do that this time. But, easier said than done. Somehow it's so hard for me to accept the truth, and to go on with the fact that Im no longer a part of your life. I know, I know I don't really lose you, because I don't have you, in my present, but..to think about you as a stranger, and not as someone I always dream to spend my life with, is difficult.
I know this exactly what I should expect when I decide to go, and I did expect that. However, I still keep hoping that things will go well, that we're not like other couples, who can't overcome distance. I thought our feelings for each other would be strong enough to nurture a long-distance relationship. Well, indeed, we fail. We fail the test of a mature, durable, long-lasting love. You couldn't prove what you promised me.
I often wonder is it you who I miss, or is it just the past I cherish? The past when I was cared for, when I always had someone by my side. The past when I was special, at least for someone in this world. Is it you, yourself, that I love? Or is it just the love you give me? Anyway, whatever it is, Im struggling with the hollowness you've left, at least for a while, no, maybe for a long time. I will pull from somewhere, or from myself, the love and care I used to take from you to fill that hole. I will have to learn to love myself, again. I will have to learn how to make myself happy, without anyone's assistance, again. After you came, you become a part of my life, and a part of me. I can't really think of you as someone apart from me, as a seperate individual. I have to learn again, how to consider you as a person, who is not mine, and who has nothing in common with me. How sad is that!
Memories are memories. I've told myself to be strong. My dreams haunt me. You are always there, in my dreams. In my awake world, I may get busy and forget you, but as soon as I close my eyes, you are there, waiting for me. You tortue me so that the next morning when I wake up, I can't forget you. You reappear whenever I feel like you're gone. Ya, I know I will have to go through all these pains, but it doesn't help. I keep asking myself "What if I didn't leave you? What if I didn't know? What if....?" but what difference do they make now? Those questions? Even if I have the answers for them?
I always fall asleep with a wish, a serious wish that I put as much faith as a little girl can do. I lie in the dark and wish a fairy would come in the middle of the night, give me a wish, then I could wish to be taken back to you. Then I fall asleep with our memories, maybe that's why I dream about you all the time. But now, even if my wish is fulfilled, even if I could be taken back to you, what difference does it make? Since I no longer have a place in your heart, seeing me would just be the same. Two strangers can become lovers easily, then two lovers more easily become strangers, but it is impossible for two ex-lovers who are strangers become lovers again. Is it right?
When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I didn't love you. I just liked you a little bit more than some other guys. But I said "yes" because I believed I would eventually love you someday and also because I thought I could trust you. Now when you asked me to be your "ex-girlfriend", I didn't stop loving you. I just love you a little less than I used to. But I said "yes" because I knew for sure I would get you out of my mind someday and also because I had no other choice. I will wait till the day I can walk across you without feeling a faintest pain. I will wait till the day I can look deep into your eyes and smile, as two old good friends. I will wait till I can see you with your girlfriend, and think about you as a part of my past. As of now, just leave me here with my pain, I'll be fine.

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